we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
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[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Matt Goss