@bobbiejo448: 5yo: I can't wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you're here from the future to save the world.
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@lenadunham: To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you're enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
@3sunzzz: My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I'd like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please." Man: "That isn't how a food bank works, sir."