Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
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[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Writing, She Murdered.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.