@bobbiejo448: 5yo: I can't wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you're here from the future to save the world.
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@Social_Mime: Wife - You ate all of the Reeses eggs? Me - You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
@fu_dad: Wife: What are you doing today? Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON??? M: Nah he can't read
@ArenaFlowers: If video games actually influenced behaviour you'd see a lot more people accidentally jumping in the air when they try to open doors.