Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
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I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.