Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
You Might Also Like
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan