5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
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Good morning, Twitter x
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.