5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
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Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.