5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
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Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.