5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
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*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
What if the weather talks about us?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.