5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
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I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.