Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…