5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
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I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
sigh
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.