Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
You Might Also Like
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too