If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
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*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
The first one, obviously
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Investing in beetcoin
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law