Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
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[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.