@The_JRM: 5yo's pretending she's a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the "toilet's too cold."
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@AdamSerwer: In Trump's America, undocumented workers get rounded up. Employers who hire undocumented workers get cabinet nominations.
@man_spach: My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid's Halloween candy; that's how you prevent cavities.
@LurkAtHomeMom: 1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume 2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you're an 80's ghost or some shit