[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
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Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.