6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
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My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
that colleague who touches your screen
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.