6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
You Might Also Like
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
not for long
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
Rooting for the overdog
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Sunday
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.