Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
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To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!