him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
You Might Also Like
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
The “baby” on the left….
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
This week’s mood.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!