6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
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Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I know yoga isn鈥檛 supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can鈥檛 have both.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn鈥檛 like my boyfriend? 馃檮
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
馃幎Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
馃幎
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Hi 911, I鈥檇 like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch