6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
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30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse