6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
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Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Buck naked
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time