*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
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[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
don’t we all
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”