*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
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Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.