I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
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[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
How dramatic are you?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her: