A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
You Might Also Like
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf