6. me as a lawyer
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Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
#inspiration #foodforthought
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.