6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
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Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.