[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
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4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I鈥檒l shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can鈥檛 get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She鈥檚 not the first to ask me that.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You鈥檙e really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid鈥檚 art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn鈥檛 it fancy?!
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say itMe: That鈥檚 crazy
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Where there鈥檚 a will there鈥檚 a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I like to split up my kid鈥檚 orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren鈥檛 an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they鈥檙e getting for littering tickets these days???
Parenting is cool because:
-it鈥檚 the hardest thing you鈥檝e ever done
-the stakes are the highest they鈥檝e ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there鈥檚 no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
And your jalape帽os, are they poppered in house?
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 馃槈
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I鈥檓 a GROWN MAN. I鈥檓 on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can鈥檛 dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Beauty and the Beast
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny