6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
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Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Easy enough.