There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
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Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Did I do this right
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.