*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
You Might Also Like
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.