*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
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“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I need to update my racial profile.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.