When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
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Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!