6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”