Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
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Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.