Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
You Might Also Like
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I identify as an antique shop.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Catercrombie & Fish