*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
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Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.