6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
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“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Doctors texting each other.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.