6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses