6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
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Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
haha same
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.