6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.