6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
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If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.