6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
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Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.