Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
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These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us