6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
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When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door