6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
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PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Bike is short for Bichael.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.