6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
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WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
set yourself free xox
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters