6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
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Everything reminds me of my ex
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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But wait…
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.