6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
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Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?